Welcome to the Love Triangle on Channel ABC123!
by Mage of the Clouds
Summary: Kel, Cleon, and Neal are contestents on a game show! What dirty secrets will be found out? What dirty fantasies? What will Cleon do in a bra? Rated Pg-13 for references to bimbos. R/R Please!


Author's Note: Um, hello it's me again and this is my 3rd fic on fanfiction! Yea! Celebrate good times, come on! *Gains Composure * This fic is probably going to run 3 chapters because I can only think of three love triangles right now. If you have any ideas on different ones as the story progresses e-mail me at CoolCat1811@excite.com.  
-The slightly insane Mage of the Clouds  
  
Disclaimer: Okay here goes. I don't own any of these people. *Audience oohs and ahhs at revelation* I just kind of manipulate them for my own purposes! Heh heh. And no offense to anyone who likes Britney Spears, I just like the idea of blow-up body parts. Heh heh. *cough* And now on with the show  
  
Welcome to the Love Triangle on Channel ABC123   
  
Host: Hello everyone and welcome to THE LOVE TRIANGLE! *crowd goes wild * I'm your host, Araya Sunshine! The next 3 episodes are going to feature love triangles from the country of Tortall, home of the Torallians!  
  
Guy in Audience: Are they like Tostitos? Or like tortoises?  
  
People From Tortall: NO YOU IDIOT!   
  
*Numair giggles wickedly in his seat in the audience. Points to the cue sign and says a few crazy-sounding words. The cue sign changes to "BOO THE IDIOT."  
  
Audience: BOOO!!!  
  
Stupid Guy in Audience: HEY!!!   
  
Host: Now Numair…you're not on till week two!   
  
Numair: Shut up you icky lady with a stupid name.  
  
Host: hmph…oh well moving on…today we feature the love triangle from everyone's favorite book series Protector of the Small.  
  
Kel: Hey, they stole us and put us in a book.   
  
Tamora Pierce: Be Quiet! I OWN you!  
  
Kel: I will not be insulted and manipulated like that!  
  
Tamora: * chuckles evilly and grabs a pen and a napkin from her cookie. *Writes: Kel is manipulated into her chair and feels insulted. *  
  
Kel: I'm SO insulted that I might consider suing!  
  
Tamora: You don't even know what that means! You don't even have a lawyer!   
  
Host: Tamora, please give Kel her free will back and stop making her be so insulted she is scaring some of the audience members with her insulted faces. And then my friends *cougharmedthugs * will escort you outside.   
  
Tamora: Fine. * Writes: Kel has free will back and is no longer insulted for the time being. * Hey! Who are these guys?  
  
Armed Thug #1: We're armed thugs.  
  
Host: Hey you host lady! You said they were friends!  
  
Host: For someone who writes such intriguing fantasy you sure aren't to with it. Didn't' you hear my "cough"?   
  
Tamora: What cough? And if I was so "with it" as you cutely call it I wouldn't have room for all my genius creativity! HEY!  
  
Host: Bye Tamora! Now moving on. Today's love triangle features: "Sir Keladry of Mindelan, Sir Cleon of Kennan, and Sir Nealan of Queenscove.   
  
*Crowd goes nuts *  
  
Host: Now this love triangle is very interesting folks. But, before we move on to the juicy stuff its time for a back-story.   
  
*Camera whooshes to back story screen. A Big Scary Voice begins back-story. *  
  
Kel had a crush on Neal…a big crush…  
  
Kel: HEY! *blushes *   
  
Until she realized that she had an admirer herself, and that admirerer was none other than Cleon of Kennan.   
  
Cleon: Double Hey!   
  
BSV (big scary voice): Be quiet and don't use modern slang…your supposed to be from medieval times.   
  
And now resuming my story…..and once Cleon made his feelings clear for Kel, Kel returned them and no longer had and interest in Neal…but when Cleon and Kel became an "Item"..  
  
Cleon: No modern slang allowed mister. "Item" is modern slang  
  
BSV: Fine, how about:  
  
But when kel and Cleon started courting….  
  
Cleon: Too old fashioned…how about dating…I've always wanted to have someone say I was dating someone.  
  
BSV: When do knights have time to date? Unless of course you're a desk knight.  
  
Myles: You gotta problem wit me?   
  
BSV: NOT MODERN SLANG OR ACCENTS!  
  
Myles: You have a problem…the first step in solving it is to admit that you have a problem  
  
BSV: OH SHUT UP!!!!!! WHAT ARE YOU A COUNSELOR? CLEON YOU'RE GOING BACK TO BEING AN ITEM AND I AM CONTINUING MY BACK STORY!!!  
Anyway…Kel and Cleon became an item and were very serious about each other. So serious that Kel bought an anti-pregnancy charm.   
  
Kel: HEY!  
  
Cleon and Neal: YOU DID?!?!   
  
Kel: That's private you meanie!  
  
BSV: Hey! I'm a big scary voice! It's my job to be mean!  
  
Kel: Get on with it!  
  
So Kel and Cleon got serious about each other and Neal started to think. He had thought Kel liked him, but now it was too late. Kel had Cleon …and that was when Neal decided that he had fallen for Kel..and this time he couldn't have her.   
  
Audience Applauds…just then a messenger person flies in with a message for the host.  
  
Host: What's this? Ooo more fun! Hey, big scary voice?   
  
BSV: Yes-s?  
  
Host: I've got one more thing for you to broadcast.  
  
BSV: Oh goodie!  
  
Host: Don't say goodie again or your fired! You're a Big Scary Voice for God's sake.   
  
Kel: I've never heard anyone take all the god's sakes before.  
  
Host: Oh be quiet! Big Scary Voice get on with it…I just scanned the information in.   
  
BSV: It seems that one more person likes Kel…Domitan of Masbolle and the love triangles morphs into a square for the first time in history! (Except for 7th grades right Mrs. Sweetiepie?)  
  
Host: OH MY! But, we must move on. Now it's time to play TRUTH or HUMILIATION.   
  
Audience roars with approval  
  
Host: We'll start with Kel.  
  
Kel: Crap…sorry Big Scary Voice I mean horse doo-doo, crap is to 21st century.  
  
BSV: Right-a-mundo  
  
Kel: Stop saying such stupid words!   
  
BSV: Okey-dokey!  
  
Host: You're fired! Shoot now we have to use the Little Unscary Voice.  
  
Little Unscary Voice (LUV) *in high-pitched tone* Whoopee!  
  
Host: Okay, shut up. Now Kel we want you to tell everyone all about your love life or we'll tell an embarassing *looks at cue card * embarrassing childhood story.  
  
Kel: Fine you get the truth. I had a huge crush on Neal until my first year as a squire. The Cleon told me how he felt and I fell in love with him. Dom, well I just worked with him and never knew how he felt.   
  
Host: Very nicely said Kel!  
  
Kel: *beams * Thank you!  
  
And now we go to our first commercial break!  
  
Deep Sexy TV Voice: Hey-y all you Tortallian women out there! Are you tired of having unfeminine razor burn if you even bother to shave? (It was a medieval thing guys) Are you tired of having painful nicks?  
  
Well your troubles are over! We give you zap! A cold cream that's spelled to stop hair growth and dissolve all leg hair. Also cures all cuts! Now you can wear that leg revealing ball-gown ladies, and please, do!  
  
Low female voice: Not clinically tested. Do not use on head unless you want to be permanently bald. Results may vary.   
  
Host: AND WE'RE BACK! And now we go to Cleon for TRUTH OR HUMILIATION *audience joins in* First we'll ask you the question and then you pick!  
  
Cleon: *gulps* O.K.   
  
Host: Cleon how far have you gone with Kel?  
  
Cleon *agast* What do you mean?  
  
Host: You know the four F's, french, feel, fing-  
  
Cleon: I kno-  
  
BSV: I said no modern slang! We have to stay with the guidelines.  
  
Host: You're DEAD!  
  
BSV: The computer guy fixed me!  
  
Host & Cleon: What's a computer?  
  
BSV: ME!  
  
Host & Cleon: YOU?   
  
Neal: *butting in* Oh quit stalling Cleon!  
  
Host: Oh yes, so Cleon, what do you choose? Truth, how far have you gone, or humiliation? *looks in crowd* Hi CLEONS MOMMIE! (I prefer to spell mommy this way)  
  
Cleon: *gulps* Kel?  
  
Kel: Don't tell them fool!  
  
Cleon: Fine my sweet, arhm, gumdrop. I choo-  
  
Kel: What's a gumdrop?  
BSV: Gumdrop: A small chewy can-  
  
Host: BE QUIET!   
  
Cleon: I choose humiliation.  
  
Host: *throws back head and laughs maniacally* Well Cleon, you must put on this set of women's lingerie and go ride your horse around the castle courtyard three times! YAY!  
  
Cleon: No! NO! You mean a breastba-  
  
Host: Yes a breastband and yes, some panties and a loincloth! IN LACY PINK! HAHAH!  
  
Cleon: Fine. I just hope the king doesn't see me and fire me! *leaves stage muttering*  
  
Host: *In stage whisper* We invited the King especially. Heh heh.. Now lets go to our humiliation screen.   
  
Foreign Guy in audience: Why do YOU have SOO MANY SCREENS?  
  
Host: Aw pipe down ya weasel! (Stolen from Hey Arnold *insert disclaimer*) Anyway. Screen on!  
  
* Screen flicks on, goes to picture of Cleon wearing only a pink lacy breastband and a pink lacy loincloth. Cleon mounts his horse and trots in the courtyard and begins his laps. By his second lap the whole castle staff and all the students are watching. Lord Wyldon (or the replacement) seems to be giving a lecture on knights gone wrong. Just then the kind thunders through.   
  
Jon: Cleon of Kennan, what is this about?  
  
Cleon: A consequence for going on that stupid show the Love Triangle with that obnoxious host.  
  
Jon: Oh, well carry on. *looks disgruntled*  
  
Cleon: What?  
  
King: CARRY ON FOOL!  
  
Cleon: You're not going to fire me right?  
  
King: Right. I have to go on the show in two weeks.   
  
Cleon: Hahahah!  
  
King: Go get some clothes on, you're disgusting me.   
  
*Screen goes dark*  
  
Host: Well, that was humiliating, for both him and me! Oh welcome back….Cleon…*says with distaste* and don worry, the king will get worse. Maybe. Heh.   
  
*Numair sits up in chair and mumbles stupid words-the cue sign changes to cackle wickedly*  
  
Audience cackles wickedly  
  
Daine: (in audience) Numey we're going to get kicked out.   
  
Numair: Too late!  
*Enter the BURLY security guards*   
  
Guard One: Sir, are you causing the disturbances?  
  
Numair: Um….yea.   
  
Guards: Then you better come with us.  
  
Numair: But I'm a blackrobe.   
  
Guard: Blackrobe, blackbelt, I don't care what they are calling it these days. But karate isn't going to save you from the law!  
  
Numair: Karate, what's that?   
  
Guard: Are you on drugs?   
  
Numair: What are drugs? All I had this morning was my Bugs Bunny Vitamins.   
  
Daine: Hey! Those were mine!   
  
Guard: Are you with him?   
  
Daine: No, NO!   
  
Guard: Oh okay, I wouldn't want to have to arrest a pretty lady like you.   
  
Numair: grrr.   
  
Host: Can we plea-se move along?  
  
Guard: Oh yes carry on. *Continues to have moronic conversation with Numair about karate*  
  
Host: Now, before we go on Neal, we have our second commercial break!  
  
*Screen flickers, clearly evident that the commercial has been tampered with. Shadowy figure appears on screen.*   
  
Low Mysterious Voice: Hello. This is the Tortallian Mafia. We're coming to get y-.  
  
Host: And we're back! *cough cough* That was just a slight some slight technical difficulties! Now we move on to Neal in our friendly little game of truth or humiliation. How far will you go for your love? Now Neal, here is your truth question. What is your greatest fantasy with Kel?  
  
Neal: *stutters*   
  
Cleon: Come on you wussie! *cackles devilishly*  
  
Neal: I choose humiliation, it was going to be humiliating anyway.   
  
Host: *In perky TV voice* WE KNOW! And your humiliation is…*drumroll*…you must breakdance to one of these hits Britney Spears's "I'm a Whore *cough* Slave For You", or Britney's "Unl…whoops Lucky."  
  
Neal: Hey! Those aren't breakdance tunes and Britney isn't a whore!  
  
Host: Yes she is.   
  
*Bleach blond stands in audience. Striking resemblance to Britney except for the huge zit on her forehead and largely diminished boobs.*  
  
Britney: Like I am NOT a whore! HOW DARE YOU?  
  
Host: Oopsies! GUARDS! *blows whistle*  
  
*Guards tramp in looking strangely like Hitler's SS*  
  
Guards: Heil- *is jabbed by guard next to him*  
  
Host: Please removes that blond and her zit.  
  
Britney: Hey, it's not my fault my make-up artist bought the wrong acne wash and that the breast-inflater broke!  
  
Host: You have inflatable boobs?!? AND ACNE? So you still ARE a little girl.  
  
Britney: NO I'm NOT! MY SONG SAYS SO! MOMMIE! *runs out screaming, guards stand by befuddled*  
  
Host: Get outta here boys!  
  
Guard: Heil- *is jabbed again. They goosestep out*  
  
Host: Neal, are you ready to do you humiliating stunt? *looks for Neal.* Where's Neal?  
  
Cleon: He called a cab while you were arguing with that bimbo-  
  
BSV: NO MODERN SL-  
  
Whole Crowd: OH SHUT UP!  
  
Cleon: Any way he called a cab while you were arguing with the BIMBO! He was muttering to himself about being stranded on an island.   
  
Britney in house: HEY!  
  
Host: This is totally going to screw the ratings! Did I say that out loud?  
  
Producer Steve: Yes YOU did! Watch it!  
  
Host: *coughs falsely* It seems that the triangle has been untriangleized.   
  
*Steve in background smacks forehead at the made-up word*  
  
Host: And Kel gets Cleon and Cleon gets Kel. YAY!  
  
LSV: LETS TELL THEM WHAT THEY"VE WON JONNIE!  
  
BSV: I am NOT Jonnie! And I want to announce it!  
  
LSV: NYAH NYAH!!  
  
*sound of mechanical crunching is heard. Lights flicker*  
  
Host: Okayyy. Anyway, this happy couple wins  
-A SET OF FABERWARE  
-A CHIA PET and…  
-A BOX OF MACARONI AND CHEESE!  
  
Kel: *disgusted* Why do we get useless prizes? Knights can't use faberware and we can't carry around a chia pet and WHAT THE HELL IS MACARONI AND CHEESE? This blows! Comon Cleon lets go find those humiliating tapes of you and destroy them. *draws sword* I CAN'T BELIEVE I MISSED GOING HUNTING WITH RAOUL FOR THIS! Gods bless! *Grabs Cleon's collar and drags him out*  
  
Host: Uh-huh. I'm your host, ARAYA SUNSHINE! Tune in next week for the latest episode. *Is pelted with peanuts by audience. Numair once again chuckles evilly*  
  
Host: I'm gonna get you! YES YOU THE HAIRY GUY!  
  
Producer Steve: Sigh. *smacks forehead*  
  
Author's Note: NOW REVIEW I SAY! 


End file.
